ABCs for Today’s Public School Students

A is for Alzheimer’s Disease. If you eat lots of vegetables and floss your teeth, you will live a long time and get this condition as your reward.

B is for Baconator. If thou shouldst ever eat one, thou shalt surely die.

C is for Crumbling Infrastructure, an incantation government officials mutter when they want to spend more of the public’s money on “stimulus.”

D is for Disability Insurance Benefits. Just say that your back hurts or you have a “mood disorder” and get money in return.

E is for Energy Savings, an all-purpose excuse for wasteful government regulations and mandates.

F is for Food and Drug Administration, an indispensable government agency that makes sure no food or drug will ever harm you unless it does so anyhow.

G is for Gun Control. Unless you are a police officer or a soldier, you should never touch a gun.

H is for Hunger, which was a big problem in the USA until St. Franklin D. Roosevelt banned it by executive order.

I is for Interest – what you don’t have in learning anything in public school.

J is for Junk Food, the stuff you really like to eat.

K is for Karl Marx, Karl Rove, and Boris Karloff – all famous movie actors.

L is for Let My People Go, the demand that Moses made on Pharaoh in order to get the Jewish kids out of the Egyptian public schools.

M is for Multiculturalism. Marxism has new clothes!

N is for Nanny State, because you are too stupid to make personal decisions for yourself.

O is for Oppression, which a government can bring about only in other countries, by definition.

P is for Private, a once predominant part of human life that the government had to destroy in the public interest.

Q is for Quaint, an overly delicate action no longer considered apt, such as a congressional declaration of war before the president shouts, “bombs away!”

R is for Railroad Transportation, a highly subsidized deity worshiped by progressives, especially when it is carried out on light rails.

S is for Satisfaction, a feeling that government officials will never experience until they have all the power.

T is for Trick Question, the only kind a federal prosecutor will ever ask you when you are on trial.

U is for Ubermensch, members of the power elite (in contrast to Untermensch, which comprises the rest of us).

V is for Virtue, a quality that conservatives believe can be attained by pounding people with a government hammer until they shape up.

W is for Watermelon, the model for the environmental movement.

X is for X-ray Vision, which government investigators use to discover the countless crimes we have committed without even knowing it.

Y is for Yes Men, the kind of men with which aspiring politicians and government officials surround themselves.

Z is for Zeus, the most powerful god that ever existed until the creation of the modern state.

Robert Higgs is Senior Fellow in Political Economy at the Independent Institute, author or editor of over fourteen Independent books, and Editor at Large of Independent’s quarterly journal The Independent Review.
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